The term baggage is definitely an overused pop psychology term in our culture. We use it to describe the excesses and useless junk we carry around with us from our worst childhood memories to when our romantic relationships went bad to all manner of past problems we can’t seem to shake or get rid of. It’s as if we’ve packed away tightly all of these sorrows and frustrations and grief and resentments into metaphorical suitcases which we continue to carry around with us and which continue to define us and impact our belief systems through the lens of what we believe about the world. That sucks, right? I mean, what a huge bummer. FORTUNATELY for you, you have come to the right place and this baggage can be checked and/or unpacked and the useless items we have carried along for so long can be discarded. It’s easier to repair than it might seem on the surface. My first suggestion is to use try some tapping. If you’ve never heard me speak about this, stay tuned for an upcoming article on the subject. Additionally, try this: Have an exploratory conversation with yourself, maybe on paper, maybe in your head, and focus on the following questions. What is your belief about persuasion? What are your beliefs about selling and sales and prospecting? What do you believe about closing the deal? These questions are designed to help you set up the frame of how you view persuasion. It is so important that you start this analytic process because only by defining it will you be able to change it (if necessary). ‘The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.’ -Frank Lloyd Wright. As a persuader, what do you believe? When you respond to the questions I recommend you start your statements in the following way: ‘A persuader is someone who. . . A sales person is someone who. .. A prospector is someone who. . .’ and write them all out explaining in detail your response to each question. It’s not as easy as it seems and at times you might need to wrestle with it. If your answers are negative, you are impacting your clients with your own baggage attached to persuasion and sales. This is something that, as a sales person, you need to get clear on. There is not a whole lot you can do about it until you get clear. You will consistently be sending people negative intentions and therefore blocking sales and productivity. When we have our beliefs about what we are, what we are aiming to accomplish, what our desired outcomes are, etc., we’re clear and open to the process of persuasion. Anton Chekhov wrote, ‘Man is what he believes.’ Do you believe that persuasion is manipulation? Do you believe that sales people are high pressure? If that is the other than conscious frame you have in place, you are doomed to fail. Start to reframe this immediately. Remember this: You are what you believe.

The “Sandwich Generation” is a term that has now made it into the dictionary. It fits an increasing number of Boomer women whose reality includes being squeezed between the demands of growing children and the needs of aging parents. A study by AARP and the National Alliance for Care-giving identified over 44 million Americans who are caring for ill adult family members, 60% of them women. According to the National Center on Health Statistics, about 80% of women in their 40′s have children for whom they are still somewhat responsible. Given these numbers, many of you may well be asking yourself, how can I balance caring for my parents, my children and myself? Here are some tips to help you sustain and nourish yourself: 1. Rejuvenate your spirits – soak in a hot tub, curl up with a good book, watch a beautiful sunrise. Solitude provides a chance to emotionally reconnect. Gail recognized, “I’m working on being kinder to myself. I am committed to daily prayer, to meditation, T’ai Chi, and relaxation. As I rebuild inner harmony, I am freer to do what is right for me.” 2. Don’t become isolated from your friends as you add caring for your parents to your already busy schedule. Maintain contact with them even if you are not able to spend as much physical time together. Karen agreed, “The blessings of my family, friends and faith have sustained me. Old friends have been wonderfully supportive. Since I no longer live near some of them, e-mail has been my lifeline.” 3. Let go of your negative feelings. Guilt is the most prevalent emotion of caregivers who worry that they’re not doing enough. Remind yourself that you’re doing what you can, given the realities of your life situation. Other times you may be feeling angry, resentful, or afraid of what’s to come. Acknowledge these universal reactions as you work through them. 4. Feel more positive by practicing relaxation or meditation. Think about three pleasant things that happened each day. Every night, before you go to bed, write affirmations about what is good in your life. Alice mused, “I try to stay positive and optimistic. Self-pity is terminal for me. I work on waking up happy I’m alive, going to bed satisfied with what I’ve done, living authentically. ‘She who laughs last, laughs best’ is my creed and ‘when you stumble make it part of the dance’ is my motto.” 5. Allow yourself the gift of laughter – rent a funny movie, find humor in daily life, or spend time with a friend who makes you happy. All of this helps you relieve stress, avoid burnout and brighten your outlook. Studies have shown that laughter triggers the release of endorphins and a good mood helps you develop creative solutions and make better decisions. 6. Ask for what you need from both professionals and family members. Don’t assume that you have to do everything yourself. Talk openly and honestly about how you feel and encourage other family members to pitch in and do their share. Develop firm boundaries to protect yourself as you handle family challenges. 7. Give yourself credit for all you do in finding balance in your life. Acknowledge and integrate the compliments that others give you. Let yourself enjoy the gratitude and love that your parents and children express for you. Thinking about what she had accomplished, Harriet felt, “This has really tested my strength. I still feel overwhelmed. But now I know I have the endurance to withstand just about anything.”” As you assume greater responsibility for your parents and maintain your role in your children’s lives, enjoy the time and activities that allow you to take care of yourself. © Her Mentor Center, 2007

This month has been like a history lesson for me as I outlined the trail of the past “great ones” in the field of self-improvement. From Russell Herman Conwell’s book “Acres of Diamonds” a generation of self-help gurus sprang up including Og Mandino, Napoleon Hill, Dale Carnegie, W. Clement Stone and Earl Nightingale. These were the founding fathers of self-help. It was Earl Nightingale who said, “It’s in your moments of decision that your destiny is created.” Nightingale pioneered the use of electronic media to broadcast self-help material which is partly responsible for the immense success and growth of the multi-million dollar self-help industry that exists today! Who could know? Even Nightingale could not see what hindsight shows us so clearly today that his destiny was indeed created from his moments of decision. I don’t like to use words like destiny too lightly. In this quote Nightingale would have us believe that our destiny is governed totally by our decisions. Other similar quotes have treated the subject of destiny with the same disregard to an eternal principle which says, “…time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all.” (The Bible, Ecclesiastes 9:11) Though I hold the ideas of Earl Nightingale as precious, I would be amiss if I let this one go without some discussion. The plain truth is, in life we are not in total control of our destiny. Other things play a role aside from our decisions. The great proverb says, time and chance happen to us also. Time is the first menaces mentioned. We may have all the desire in the world to accomplish a certain thing; however time may be against us. For example, we may find ourselves all-of-a-sudden imprisoned in a body that is disease ridden. I have a very close friend, a Bishop from my church who was one of the greatest orators and proponents of good will and positive thinking you could ever meet. Two years ago he was stricken with a brain seizure and lost the feeling in the right side of his body and also took his speech away. It was one of the saddest days in our church’s history. But the point I stop to make is this; my Bishop friend might have all the desire in the world to teach and be a great orator and help to educate members of the church, but time in this case prevents him from doing what he decided to do. Perhaps in time, with a lot of physical therapy he may acquire his speech again, but for now it is not possible! The second menace spoken of is unforeseen occurrence (chance). Though the story about my Bishop would work here too, let me drive home the point with a different illustration. I spent the last six years training adults in the welfare-to-work system. Most of my students were women who had children. Most of their relationships happened at a young age, and many of the male partners left their women to bring up their children alone. So here were many women who were stuck. They were now 25 to 30 years old, and they had two children on average and no father at home and more importantly, no support financially. They were expected to go to work and get off of the welfare roles. But let’s remember that they had dreams once. Perhaps dreams to become a dancer, or a teacher, or a medical professional, but they could not finish school. They were stuck. They were imprisoned by “unforeseen occurrences”. In Earl Nightingale’s time, no one heard of DNA . Today we know that DNA can determine a lot about us. It may reveal for instance that we are prone to have certain medical or physical or emotional weaknesses. Our destiny is affected by this. However Nightingale would have been correct if he had said that to a large degree our destinies are controlled by what we decide. It is proper I think to put the greater weight of responsibility on our shoulders which is what Nightingale was trying to emphasize. Humans tend to do the opposite and they try to blame their misfortune on some other outside reasons for failure. They look externally when they should probably be looking internally for reasons they fail. Having a balanced point-of-view about this is important. We could get crushed under the weight of believing that we are solely responsible for our living in poverty or marrying the wrong person or even being born into a dysfunctional family. I know how that can feel. What Nightingale meant was that our moment to moment decisions play a role in shaping our future and knowing this is empowering for it is only when we know this that we can truly begin to change. If we were to believe that our DNA has decided all things for us, than why did God give us a mind and self-will? He obviously wants us to use it to better our lives. We can be set free to some degree of DNA programming just as we can be set free from the cycle of a dysfunctional family, or living in poverty. These are external powers that may seem unyielding, but you and I can change those circumstances with help. Always remember that you have the power within to change. That is the beauty of Nightingale’s message.

If you’re looking for a way to cool down, calm and even stop facial blushing altogether, you need to know what works and what will simply add fuel to the flames. In this article, as an ex blusher myself, I would like to point out a very effective and simple mental theory that will aid you in times of need, particularly when you feel the blushing is at its worst. Just Relax… Yes I know, it’s not easy…but hang in there for a second… In fact, it’s far easier said than done isn’t it? Well, let me reassure you. When you first climbed onto your brand new bicycle that you had for Christmas, did you think that you would always fall off? Well, maybe so, but something made you want to keep on climbing back onto that hunk of metal for another try… …but what made you put yourself through that? It’s not because you knew that the experience of riding a bike was so joyful. That couldn’t have been the reason…because how would you have even known what it was like to ride a bike in the first place? It’s actually because you knew that it was possible to learn and more importantly, at that tender age, you didn’t have the negative thought pattern that would make to doubt your ability to improve yourself. The way you saw it, if other kids can then so can you. Plus, you didn’t want that bike to go to waste or have some other kid ride it whilst you stood by the wayside…right? So how does this relate to the ability to relax? Well, it’s very much the same actually. The art of relaxation is a form which must be practiced with the same discipline that you held just as you did when learning to cruise on those two wheels all those years ago. You must learn the art of being able to switch your “relaxation mode” on and off like a tap. That way, when you face difficult situations and you really need to stop facial blushing episodes, the new found skill of relaxation will help you maintain a lower heart rate and aid you in seeing things in a more healthy and calm perspective. Take five minutes out of each day, sit in a quiet place free from distraction and close your eyes. Make sure you are comfortable and notice your breathing. The idea is to slow your breathing down and relax every muscle in your body. Breathe air to the bottom of your lungs and allow your tummy to expand, not your chest. The more you can train your body to fall into a deeper sense of relaxation each day, the better adjusted you will be when you need to quickly get into that state of relaxation in the future. So next time you see the task of learning to relax as an inconvenience or time consuming chore, remember back to when your bike riding teacher let go of the frame and watched you glide off into the distance with full control. Because that feeling you had back then is the feeling that awaits you in the very near future…a life free from excessive blushing. There are many theories for a blushing free life. I can only hope you are not led to the ones that cost you more time, pain and discomfort than the original problem of blushing itself. Instead, I would encourage you to visit http://www.facialredness.co.uk and see how you can block out and stop facial blushing for good with my unique system before the spiral goes too far.

I make it a habit of listening to successful people. I read their books, and follow their articles, and research some of the same topics of interest they have. I wish I had known this secret when I first started in business 30 years ago. Lou Gerstner is known as the man who turned IBM around. He stepped in as CEO in 1993. The company was bleeding to death internally and literally had 100 days left before it would run out of money. Saving one of the biggest companies that ever existed must have been an extremely difficult under-taking for Gerstner and reading his story is definitely a must. I found myself inquisitive about something he said during a CNN interview in 2004. He said “The more successful enterprises are the more they try to replicate, duplicate, codify what makes us great. And suddenly they’re inward thinking. They’re thinking how can we continue to do what we’ve done in the past without understanding that what made them successful is to take risks, to change and to adapt and to be responsive. And so in a sense success breeds its own failure.” There is a lesson here we do well to observe. We as humans should be learning all the time. Yet at some point we turn off or shut down the learning machine inside us. It usually happens shortly after we leave secondary school and/or college. Many of us become over confident and question the need to know and we tell ourselves that enough is enough and we stop educating ourselves. The years of complacency set in and no-one can tell us anything unless they get our attention in a big way like dropping a boulder on our heads or something. Just like IBM, we become set in our ways and we get lazy and before you know it the world has changed but we did not change with it. We find ourselves hopelessly lost in premises of the past, and why not; didn’t they do us well then? Didn’t we succeed with all we knew then? Why should we mess with a good thing? All of a sudden quotes come out of the wood-work like, “Don’t fix what’s not broken”, and “Leave well enough alone.” But just as Gerstner observed about the big blue elephant, you must never let complacency set in. Never become complacent about change. Change is necessary if we are to survive. Gerstner paid credit to a quote he heard by Andy Grove: “It’s only the paranoid that survive…you can never be comfortable with your success, you’ve got to be paranoid you’re going to lose it.” This is true with our own self-development. We should stay alert at all times and look for ways we need to change. I used to tell my students that they need to develop a state of (PC), permanent cognizance. That means we should develop almost as a sixth sense the ability to always be aware of our surroundings. There are a multitude of examples of how this could be applied: • On a job interview, be aware of the office surroundings and use the particulars in your favor. • On an interview, be aware of the interviewer’s style of asking questions. • On an interview, be aware of the interviewer’s business jargon. • On an interview, be aware of the companies’ needs so you can create needs/benefits statements. • With your spouse, be aware of what triggers his/her emotions. • With your spouse, be aware of what pleases them and what doesn’t. • With your children, be aware of the friends they keep. • With your children, be aware of the homework they bring home. The list goes on and on. Mostly we should be aware of our own self development and we should be working on something to improve on regularly. Always be concerned about having an “edge” and keeping it. An edge means how you can be of benefit to someone or something else. In our insecure times, you never know when you are going to need to be good at interviewing again. You might need it sooner than you thought. You should always be selling yourself to your employer anyway. Keeping an edge means you are constantly modifying yourself by taking educational courses that the company or department may need you to take. Think, “What are your co-workers doing with their free time?” Things change constantly and we must be ready to change with them. Never become complacent at home or at work. Sharpening the edge may just be the kind of empowering you need today. Stephen Covey would say, “Sharpen the saw”. Today make every minute count and become self-empowered by sharpening your saw. You’ll never know when it will come in handy!