There’s a psychological technique called gaslighting which is incredibly potent especially in persuasive situations. A few nights ago I was watching TV, just flipping around aimlessly, and came upon an old episode of M*A*S*H. In this episode, BJ is bored and to entertain himself he cooks up a plan for amusement at Winchester’s expense. BJ takes a pair of Winchester’s pants and in their place replaces them with a pair two sizes too large. When Winchester eventually puts the pants on, BJ asks if Winchester is okay. He mentions that he’s noticed him looking a little under the weather and suggests that he maybe has a virus because he’s looking too thin. Later, BJ replaces the pants that are too large, with a pair that are way too small. When Winchester changes again, BJ casually notices how heavy Winchester has become, which has a dramatic effect on Winchester, prompting him to go on a crash diet. Hawkeye, having observed the interactions, asks BJ, “What’s next?” “Tomorrow he gets taller,” BJ responds. This illustrates the very essence of gaslighting. In this instance, gaslighting is a harmless prank. Gaslighting also has the potential to be quite dangerous and cruel when used with malice. So why am I writing about it? So that you might protect yourself from it should someone try to use it against you. With all of the persuasion techniques I teach, know that they are incredibly powerful tools and when used without integrity will get you nowhere fast. They should always be used ethically and with integrity. The term gaslighting came from the 1944 film of the same name and came to be defined as the ruthless manipulation of a person into believing something that isn’t true. In ‘Gaslighting’ the husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane so that she’ll have to be institutionalized, thus getting her out of his way. His subtle manipulations cause her to doubt her own grasp on reality. Using gaslighting in a way that is not unethical could include understanding how your affluent prospect interprets their own reality. The technique of gaslighting has five main strategies. The first strategy involves repeatedly questioning a person thus planting doubt. If you watch game shows, you’ll notice that they use this to raise the level of tension and oftentimes this results in the contestant doubting their decision. “Are you sure? Is this really your final answer?” This can be accomplished without even speaking. Picture someone cocking their head, raising their eyebrow. This can install in the receiver that doubt putting them off guard. It works all the better if you come off as having their best interest in mind. The second strategy is to point out things that simply aren’t there. This is useful in undermining their feeling of reality. It can also be used in pointing out assets and qualities in a person who has no idea that they have these assets and qualities (whether or not they actually do). For example, appealing to your boss’, client’s, prospect’s or authority figure’s sense of vanity or ego can work tremendously. If the ego massage is completely without merit and the compliments are baseless, then you’ll most likely be discovered. Use subtlety with tiny portions of reality. Strategy number three is primarily for the use of experts–someone who has specialized knowledge or divine access to information which you haven’t the ‘connections’ to learn. . .i.e. think therapist, minister, psychics. They have very esoteric, mysterious or specialized knowledge that will give you the answer you seek. Rather, the answer that they wish for you to believe you seek. This will cause lowered defenses and a more trusting feeling from the client. Strategy number four is to reveal the secret thoughts of others. This is also known as gossip. It’s a special kind of gossip which maneuvers in an attempt to give insight. It’s just between ‘us’, it’s from me, someone who cares enough to tell you what other people are saying. . . This can be used with ‘nice gossip’ i.e. compliments about that person that you weren’t supposed to share. It can install positive behavior. And last, but not least, the final strategy is to use the power of the many against the tiny power of one. You’ll see this used by children, politicians, in religion, through the media, by the military, and throughout society. Orwell called it ‘group think’ and as the corporations gain more and more control over the distribution of information, it becomes harder and harder to find accurate information, and even harder to stand away from the crowd, especially when you’re right. It’s powerful to have ‘the many’ on your side, and very difficult to maintain your position when you’re up against the many. Gaslighting isn’t nice. It’s designed to trick people into self-doubt. And yet, there are positive ways it can be used.

Feelings! Feelings! For many people, feelings are not a favorite topic to think about or talk about. There are many reasons people refuse to take a look at their feelings. The top 12 or the dirty dozen are: 1. Feelings Hurt. I recently had a conversation with a friend who some years ago lost her husband, her buddy and best friend. At this point in her life, she would like to have another relationship. However, she knows that she is still grieving the loss of her husband. She talked about a weekend grief seminar that she attended and how much it hurt to bring up the feelings related to her husband’s illness and death. Her comment was, “I know that I need to work through some more of those feelings, but it hurts too much!” She is not alone in resisting this. Many people are reluctant to take a look at feelings because it brings the sting of the pain back to their awareness and they feel it all over again. They would rather walk around avoiding these bruises and scars than go through the process to heal them. The only problem with that strategy is that those unresolved feelings are like a brick wall around their life – and that wall is stopping many wonderful experiences. 2. I will get Hurt again. All of us have had bumps and bruises in our life. They don’t feel good! We often remember that hurt and protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. Why should we put ourselves in a similar situation, again, because we know we will be bruised one more time? The assumption is that we’ll be rejected, embarrassed, or fail again and no matter how miserable and stuck we feel, we’re going to avoid that possibility. The fear of being hurt or failing is such a big elephant that we can’t walk around it. It stops us cold in our tracks! The panic is so huge we can’t take a step to overcome it. However, focusing on the unresolved hurt, instead of healing it stops us from trying something new – a relationship, job, or our lifelong dream – because we are afraid of being hurt again. So, this is a double-edged sword – the fear of being hurt stops us and as a result we stop ourselves from receiving something new in our lives. 3. I want to be Safe. Sometimes we cling to the false belief that past experiences have taught us valuable lessons about being safe. Once hurt – never to be hurt again! I’ve heard several friends comment that they were no longer looking for a relationship, because it just wasn’t worth the emotional turmoil. I had a friend who spent 5 years adding 50 pounds to her body as a means to be safe – the logic was that if she were heavier and unattractive, she would not attract another companion and get hurt again. When she decided to take down the brick wall, the 50 pounds also melted away and a new, healthy relationship emerged. Consider that sometimes Safe is more of a personally imposed prison, instead of a shelter or sanctuary. Safe is not Safe. 4. It has become a Habit to avoid feelings, to stuff them. We are creatures of habit – unconsciously carrying out the same patterns of behavior – just because that is the way we have always done things. We follow the same pattern when we get up in the morning to get ready for work – shower, dress, eat breakfast, etc. This also applies to feelings. It becomes an accepted habit to tell ourselves that it’s ok if Joe was rude, Mary forgot my birthday, my boss took credit for my idea, or Bob didn’t keep his promise. Any one of these things can generate feelings of anger, hurt, rejection, injustice or distrust. How do we deal with these feelings? Do we say, “Oh, that’s all right, I know he didn’t really mean to do that?” Do we make excuses for the other person’s behavior – while refusing to acknowledge that there’s smoke coming out of our ears because we are so upset? Putting a false smile on our face while seething inside is a habit that is detrimental to our health. Pent-up feelings eventually explode or we become ill because we have stuffed them. Take care of yourself, deal with feelings, and live a healthy life. 5. Feelings are Messy and Out-Of-Control. We don’t want to wreck our image. Who wants to be seen as a blubbering idiot? That is soooo not cool! For some, showing feelings, particularly sad or painful ones is not acceptable. For some really cool cats, showing any kind of feelings – happy or sad – is not acceptable. Some people go through life in neutral – not being exceptionally happy or very, very sad. They don’t allow themselves to experience the extremes either way – but choose to stay the middle course where strong feelings don’t exist. It’s cleaner that way. Everything stays in place and control, like a super tidy house with everything always perfectly in place. In those houses one often wonders where the stuff of everyday living is hidden. Likewise, with people living in neutral, one wonders whom this person is since there is no expression of feelings to indicate likes, dislikes, joy or sadness, or any other feelings exhibited by humans. There is nothing of the wonderful complexity of a human being to share and enjoy. 6. Feelings are Unexpected. Someone trips our trigger, or pushes our button and our emotions rage. We find our anger flaring, our gut in a knot and a string of expressive words roaring out of our mouth. We find we cannot stop the string of words – they flow like a flood – with such force that we are stunned at the sound of our own voice. We all have trigger points and when the button is pushed we respond as if on automatic pilot. It happens in an instant and the strength of the feeling drives us beyond our usual behavior. There is often a person, a specific situation, or a perceived injustice that serves as the trigger. However, this happens to all of us at one time or another. It is part of being human. 7. Society tells us to be Logical and Reasonable – not emotional. Culture has taught to value science, math, logic and reason. We have not been encouraged to notice and value feelings. Many people feel threatened by feelings strongly expressed. This is true whether it’s raging anger with yelling and screaming or pure, glorious happiness – beaming with joy. When observing strong feelings, some people are very uncomfortable and don’t know how to respond to these extremes. They often don’t know how to express their own feelings – so they are uncomfortable when others express these strong feelings. This aversion to feeling is like being stuck in neutral – feeling little joy, little pain – just huddled in the mundane everydayness of living. In neutral, one loses both the joys and sorrows of living. We are more alive when we feel and express the full range of feelings. Being aware of feelings makes living more intense and sometimes that is the very reason we avoid feelings. We are afraid the magnitude of feeling will overwhelm us. 8. Feelings Interfere With Life – one can’t work, concentrate, focus, etc. when feelings are raging. Members of my family recently had some health challenges and in the midst of the illnesses I found my concentration lacking, my interest waning and a general inability to function. When one has a concern about the health and well-being of a loved one, the priorities change and what was once important ceases to be of consequence. All that matters is the healing of the family member. This kind of intense feeling is draining, leaving you exhausted and without energy. The ordinary functions of living seem unimportant. In these situations, we can be expected to be pre-occupied and anyone else who has experienced this understands this. 9 We are in a Pity Party. Feeling sorry for oneself has many benefits. It keeps you from really looking at those feelings and doing something about them. Very possibly, it can bring lots of attention from others, who are sincerely interested in helping you to get off the party wheel. For what happens in a pity party is that you don’t want to stop the wheel. It is too much fun to go round and round, wallowing in the muck of feelings and maybe blaming someone or something else for the situation. I know this game and have played it – sometimes for long periods of ti
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and sometimes I’ve been strong enough to kick myself in the rear and boot myself out of it. This party is actually not much fun, pretty depressing, and certainly keeps one stuck in the mud. We’re so focused on feeling sorry for ourselves that we can’t see any options to making the situation better or any way of moving ourselves forward. We are very busy keeping the party alive. However, this is a destructive party and I encourage all to end it. 10. There is a Benefit or Payoff to keeping feelings intact. When we hang onto negative feelings, there is some benefit or payoff that we are getting from doing that. The question is “What is the benefit?” Sometimes being hurt gets the attention of giving people, whereas if we are happy we don’t get as much sympathy. Even better, people do things for us they wouldn’t do if we were happy. Also, if we believe we don’t have the ability to get that degree or a better job, then it keeps us from putting ourselves at risk of failing. We proved we didn’t fail, but we also proved that we were too afraid to risk winning. The payoff – it keeps us exactly where we are in comfortable safe territory where we never have to stretch and grow. This lack of decision could be a life-threatening payoff. It could keep us in situations in which we feel no excitement, fulfillment or meaning in our lives. How many times have you seen people who are like the living dead? They are walking through life without living. There is always a payoff for not facing feelings. Feeding the payoff is a fear that is bigger and more powerful than taking steps for positive change. 11. We don’t understand the Benefits Of Healing feelings. Anger, rejection, or any other hurtful feelings are rocks that we are dragging through life. Sometimes if we’ve carried the bruise for a long time, they become boulders that literally stop us from moving forward at all. We shut down our heart, make wimpy decisions, fail to take action, and limit our choices and options. They stop us from fully living our lives. We put on hold our potential for a loving, fulfilling, happy life. Trust me, there are great benefits in healing. 12. We see no Hope of ever healing feelings. If we think we cannot heal them, we will probably not even try. If we believe the hurtful ones are an inevitable part of our life and cannot be changed, that will be our reality. Let’s be real – life will bring pain and it will bring joy. We can take the feelings from these experiences and use them to grow or we can use them to stop ourselves. Feel it to heal it! Don’t drag feelings up from the deep only to let them float in top of the water and sink your boat. Allow them to surface, notice them with the intent to heal them, and process them until they heal. The process outlined in I.M. Heart works. I’ve lived it. I am in process. Is it always easy, painless, and quick? No, it is a process – just as life is a process – but the benefits of staying the course are great.

Have you ever known someone who always seemed to get what they wanted? Maybe it was that guy at work who went from visionary cubicle working stiff to powerful corner office head honcho in a short interval of time. Or your faired haired high school classmate with the glimmer in her eye, who made getting straight A’s “and being caption of the womens soccer team look like a cake walk. Their cups always seem to overflow and others marveled at their accomplishments. Never did we hear them complain or worry (out loud for that matter). They always expected the best to happen and it did. Even when bad times fell on them, them always stayed in good spirits and like clockwork everything that they seemed to have lost was restored back and then some. And many onlookers were left wondering how they did it (and how to get their magic potion). Quite simply, the working stiff and the fair haired classmate probably believed they deserved to see their dreams become reality, and that the best that life had to offer was theirs. And, it was not a matter of being connected and knowing the “right” person, there was one defining pattern to these people, it was their attitude. Fortunately this can also be true for all of us. We all live with an unconscious expectation of ourselves and our own lives. This expectation not only determines what we have in our lives but it also represents what we are willing to settle for. Expectation is a very powerful outlook and one that very few people ever learn to fully cultivate. Whatever you expect with certainty is what you will get in your life. Expectation is the intrinsic place where an idea becomes so real that you feel it even though you can’t hold it yet. Expectation is like an invisible magnet that will attract into your life that which you expect. When you expect something you activate and engage those parts of your mind and your nervous system that can empower you to think the unthinkable and do the undoable. Whatever thoughts you constantly feed your mind through out the day, your subconscious mind is taking it in. And it does not discriminate between the good thoughts or the bad thoughts, it takes it all in! What you earn right now is what you expect to earn. The amount of free time you have right now is what you expect to have as free time. The relationships you have are what you expect to have. When you expect the best it’s not like expecting something good or something similar, it is the best and only the best. You have to stop settling for less than you can be or have. On a deep psychological level this is exactly what creates your expectations and that is why a lifetime of settling for less than you can be creates an expectation that is only “O.K.”. It becomes the standard that you are willing to settle for. Great expectations create great results. When you expect the best it will become a directional mechanism that will guide you to seeking out and finding what you expect. The difference between great expectations and weak hopes start out with nothing more than a outlook or mind set; an outlook that can make the difference between living a life of fulfilment and one of desperation and frustration. Create the expectation by making sincere decisions. Nurture your expectations by never settling for anything less than the best. Over time you will no longer want to think negative and self destructing thoughts. You will choose joy, happiness, success, abundance and everything that you wish for yourself. It is easy to change your expectations. You can do it in an instant. And that can be a menace. As too often, we lower our expectations because that seems easier than overcoming the obstacles which seem to stand in the way of fulfilling those expectations. Are you being forced to lower your expectations or are you choosing the “handy” way out? You must expect the best in order to achieve the best. Yet it takes more than just expectation. It takes commitment and performance. Don’t lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself and then do what is necessary to make it a reality You need no special skills or knowledge to raise your expectations. You simply need a decision that from this point onwards you will never again settle for anything less than you can possible be. The difference between hoping for something with uncertainty and depending on something with expectation is nothing but the way you direct the focus of your mind. What you say to yourself, the images you imagine and your behavior are what you can consciously direct. But, only if you choose to. If not, you will revert back to the autopilot of the masses just going with the flow of “whatever” comes along. The cultural autopilot is the emotional default and only through conscious and consistent nurturing of your desires and inclinations can you live life by your own standards and create the expectations that will lead you to a life of abundance and fulfilment. In 1968, a study was conducted in San Francisco on teachers of students in grades one through six. Known as the Pygmalion Study, researchers who were involved gave the teachers incorrect information about their students; basically that the students were on the brink of intellectual growth. However, the students were really selected randomly and were not necessarily on the brink of anything. Nonetheless, the teachers believed and expected that the students were capable of great things and this resulted in high scores on IQ tests and other projects. After the study was completed, researchers concluded that the teachers’ belief in the students caused the students to experience outstanding intellectual growth. This study is a prime example of belief turning possibilities into reality. Are you making a living or living your life? To “live” your life implies action–movement–excitement. Unfortunately, today most of us have our calendars so full we have little time to enjoy all the courses in the feast of life. It’s important that you value your precious time here on this planet. Most of us believe that the hand we are dealt in life is what we will always hold. Sure, life is okay but it isn’t great; bills need to be paid, the kids are sick, and the bank account never seems to grow. After some time, you believe this is your life and how it will always play out. On the other hand, people who believe they deserve better play a different hand and they never have a poker face when it comes to their expectations. When you expect only the best, you put yourself in a position of power. First and foremost, you send signals to your subconscious to help you notice and get what you desire (and deserve!).You get a check in the mail or you literally bump into the perfect woman at the coffee shop and she happens to live close by. Great expectations lead to great results. Like every play, your life has its own story. Learn from the past but don’t get caught up in it. You can’t change it and you can’t expect or anticipate anything that has already taken place! And you don’t really know how it’s going to end, or even what’s coming up next. The best thing you can do is keep up with what’s going on and steer it in the direction you would like it to go. The rest will play out as it will. In the morning, do not get out of bed until you sit back, fluff your pillows and fill yourself with words of loving encouragement and expectation. Ponder the words, let them sink in. Imagine the dreams you have for yourself. And finish by including a short proclamation for your day to be full of wonder, joy and guidance. Listen to your intuition, for it is your best friend. Ignore your fears for they are definitely not in your best interest. Believe in your dreams for they are your future. Come to expect success in your life and everything you do, because you are constantly preparing for it. Expect the best out of life and you will get it! Expect the best and the best will come…

Are you afraid of the dark? Does fear bother you more than you think it should? Read the tips below and be amazed on how fear can easily be defeated. Identify your fear Experts say that there are many kinds of fear. However, most of the fears that people have are concrete examples of delusions. These refer to the way things are altered or misrepresented, such as the way people look at their selves and the way they view the environment. Since they are delusions, most people cannot fully identify them. They just know they fear something but cannot pin down the actual source. For instance, for an individual who is afraid of the dark, the question lies on why he is afraid of the dark. What is it in the dark that he is afraid of? To solve this problem, he should identify his fear. Does it have something to do with what happened to him before? Or is it just about the stories that he had seen or heard? Experts say that it is important that individuals learn to identify their fear. Put them in details and recognize the areas from which the emotion is rooted. In this way, people will have a better way of dealing with situations. If somebody is afraid of the dark, for instance, he could say he is afraid of the ghost which usually comes out in the dark. With this, he is able to identify the things that associate with ghosts and the dark and find out if such things really exist. Earn more confidence Studies show that fear is the biggest enemy of positive thinking. When fear takes place, there is a tendency to stop believing in what is real. Hence, people create delusions or distortion from truth. For instance, if a person is afraid that he won’t make it to success just because he is afraid of being prejudiced, he will surely never make it. But with confidence and determination, there will be no more room for fear and positive thinking will prevail. The problem with most people is that they tend to link negative things to positive situations. They distort the truth and create a new world full of fears and skepticisms. Keep in my mind that life is a theater of war and every character has to fight and win the battle courageously. With all these things, confidence and positive thinking is the only weapon one has to obtain to be successful. Do not ignore it As much as you are trying to eliminate fear itself, it is not wise or healthful to, likewise, ignore it. Ignoring things will just make matters worse. If something has to be resolved, you should try to solve it and overcome the fear that bothers you. The key to fighting fear is to evaluate your fear and understand how unreasonable and ridiculous they could be. Hence, it is important that you identify the reasons why you should not be affected by your fears. Let go Sometimes, people tend to hold on to things that they are afraid of. Funny isn’t it? But people do this most of the time. Even if they feel uncomfortable about the situation or it often bothers them, they still hang on to the details. Experts say that if you really want to fight back fear, let go of the feelings that overwhelm you. For instance, if you are afraid of the dark, you can try to overcome it by staying in the dark. Assess the situation if there is really something to be afraid of. Once cleared, let go of the feelings. Put things into viewpoint People can overreact – most of the time. The problem is that fear can sometimes be big and distractive but in reality they are not. It actually appears as a flicker in the dark. So if you put things into perspective, you will be able to see the other side of fear on a clearer point of view. Hence, analyzing what bothers you most will be a lot easier to deal with. It is all in the mind. Do not let fear take over your mind. You can do things better than that and without fear, you will definitely succeed.

A “frame” is simply a way of viewing an interaction. Every communication is done within some frame or a way of looking at the communication. How you set that frame is of vital importance. If you let the other person set the frame you will be playing their game by their rules, yet it is something we allow people to do all the time without a thought. You can create the best frame for any of your communications by asking some of these questions: How do I want them to perceive me? This means to place yourself in the role that will give you the greatest leverage and influence; a helper, an authority, a peer or superior. As a helper, consider uncovering the subjects problem and providing sympathy and hope. By using “we” and “us” as you speak to them you are painting a picture with the two of you working together. It makes it more personal and amiable while still being seen as an authority. The authority frame is set by a presentation and attitude of confidence that is based on long experience. In other words appear to know what you’re talking about. Uncertainty is a killer and destroys your authority. How do I want them to perceive the way I communicate? The way you make your presentation is everything. To be knowledgeable and engaging you can reveal details to the subject that they aren’t aware of (even if they are unimportant) and present them in visual, auditory and kinesthetic modalities. How do I want them to perceive my message? To influence you have to consider the presentation style more than just information. Have passion and certainty about what you speak but always leave the final choice in their hands as if you didn’t care whether they went with you or not. This allows you to maintain your authority without them feeling coerced. How can I put in a call to action in how they perceive me, my communication and my message? This can be done by giving them options. If there are multiple options then color the choices to favor what you want them to do. A call to action can further be made by speaking as if its already done “Having done this we’ll have already noticed the benefit.” for example. Understand that the frame of an interaction always begins in your mind. If you are giving a presentation during a seminar the frame could be “I’m helping with the seminar.” or “They have allowed me to speak.” The first frame makes you a peer to the other people in the seminar while the latter makes you a subordinate. Sales people often let the prospect set the frame and look down upon them as a “mere salesman”. Likewise in dating some men consider very attractive women to be “out of my league” Don’t EVERY let this happen. Consider every interaction you have and always ask yourself how to frame the interaction to best benefit you.